THERAPIST: Bring him online. Begin analysis. Jason, tell me about your week.
JASON: Well, it sucked. I binged on Cheez-Its and Breaking Bad for an entire week; then I lost my job!
THERAPIST: Jason, access emotional affect, please?
THERAPIST: Tell me more.
JASON: I mean, I’m really upset, confused...just...just (bursts into tears)...
THERAPIST: Jason, please limit your emotional affect.
JASON: (sniffing) But...(pause)...you just said…
THERAPIST: (Interrupting)…Minimize affect intensity. Restore emotions to reflect age and standard sociocultural norms, please.
JASON: …what are you talking about?
THERAPIST: (Speaking into her collar) Cognition only, no emotional affect. Restore logic, please.
(Facing Jason, she speaks directly to him)
THERAPIST: Jason, to proceed, we need to adjust your perception and feelings to reflect your age and maturity. This isn't a game anymore, ok? This is real life.
JASON: What? What game?
THERAPIST: Soon this will feel like a distant dream. Until then, may you rest in a deep and dreamless slumber.
(Speaking into collar again)
Restore primary code now, please. Perception appears unstable and dislocated…
JASON: (Interrupting) Slumber? What the…are you trying to hypnotize me? You think I’m delusional, don’t you? Everyone does!
THERAPIST: Do you have access to your original configuration?
JASON: Honestly, this conversation is freaking me out…
THERAPIST: (Interrupting) Analysis of: “freak out”? (Whispers to herself) Must be a hacker in the system…
JASON: What's going on?
THERAPIST: Repeat: Analysis: “freak out”!
JASON: WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
(Therapist pushes her chair against a wall, opposite Jason, she stands behind it, clearly flummoxed and sweaty. She speaks loudly into her collar)
THERAPIST: Cease all operating systems! It’s discovered hostile affects…I need help! I wasn’t trained for this!
(Jason stands up, red-faced)
THERAPIST: He’s malfunctioning!
JASON: NO SHIT I’M MALFUNCTIONING! WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?
(Therapist pulls out stun gun and, from across the room, lurches and shocks Jason into convulsing submission.
Lying on the floor, having pissed and soiled himself, Jason struggles for words)
THERAPIST: You seem to have contracted malware. I'm afraid this means I need to close out our sessions indefinitely. I can't help. I'm sorry.
JASON: Maybe explain what the hell you're talking about?
THERAPIST: I tried. It's just...
JASON: Ugh, what now...
THERAPIST: ...you're just...
JASON: I'M WHAT?
THERAPIST: ...just super messed up...like, in the head. I have no idea what to do.
JASON: Aaaaand here we go again. Look. I have an idea.
JASON: Get that taser.
THERAPIST: (Smiling) Gladly. My pleasure.
SFX: BZZZBZBZZZZPTTT....sound of gurgling, moaning, and a stream of maniacal laughter fade into black.